A bump in the road and a brand new path

It is really rough for me to say but not all things are as they seem in my world all the time. Sometimes I find myself on a path that isn't really to lead me anywhere except to a better understanding of self. This was the case over this past month.

The person I allowed in my life turned out to be another one of my super bad ideas. Although I knew this going in, I felt like I was ready to handle another relationship. What I was not prepared to handle is the damage they may leave in their wake. You see, I stumbled into another narcissist who just wanted to change me and my entire way of living and make me feel less than the person I have grown to be over this past year. Tarring me apart to reach their goal, holding a little girl over my head and taking her away at will, only thinking of their own future rather than the family he used as his basis for being a lazy shit and not helping with bills, cheating and lying and manipulating....gross! What a douche!

Does this sound familiar?

Yes, I have been here before and yes I have struggled with it. It is now clear to me that most men only get with me because of my kind nature and believe themselves above the rest of the world and need someone like me to justify it for them. Well not today SATAN!

I decided to end the relationship despite loving this person to death..not because I found out the truth about them but because I deserve it. In fact, the worst part is I knew this guy was just a user and I allowed it to happen. Can't blame the guy there. My son deserved someone that won't take off on him every time another "SMALL CHANGE" was communicated to us or directed at us and did not get done to his satisfaction. The day before my birthday as well as a few days before Thanksgiving- yep he did it twice folks! So this person has no real idea of family, honor, dignity nor what it means to be a real man. Nope folks, if the journey has taught me anything it's that I do not have to settle for being below someone. In fact, this journey has taught me some very valuable lessons.

Notice a difference in me so far here folks? I am not a wreck! Oh I broke down for a week as I tend to do but it wasn't because he left and broke up our family...AGAIN ( I did tell him to get the fuck out though..and stay the fuck gone....) it was because I realized that I did nothing to deserve it and I can and will do better for myself. I refuse to be hard on myself looking at this situation because honestly we catered to this guy, gave him everything including a family..built a baby nursery for him, gave up my plans and goals, sacrificed a lot of myself for someone who never noticed. Bought clothes and toys and took pictures that he doesn't even care about. We were a family and he was a party of 1. I took some amazing lessons from all of this and that is that I am a family woman, dedicated, a great cook, a great friend, lover and wife. My son is amazing and between what we have to offer in the long term, I was just settling. Poorly!

I can say I had a few good times, challenged myself and on occasion actually enjoyed having someone to sleep next too but really it is nothing compared to the daily pressures of someone else's whims and attitudes. Spoiled, entitled, moody...yuck man. This took up so much of my time and energy that I simply allowed what I thought was for the better good of my FAMILY. So, I would compromise and negotiate, meet in the middle but at the end of the day..I was giving up on my time, my goals, my feelings, my needs entirely. Was it worth it? Fuck NO!

I was so busy holding his hand that mine were to full to write my blog.Like I side stepped myself for bigger and better things as i was told they were. For her. I built the family around us..he built it on his future and his confusion on how he was to raise his daughter. Since I never had a say no matter my contributions or the 4.1 kids in my life, meaning those I gave birth too and had in my life...this is his first daughter but I offered nothing! I have 4. He repeatedly reminded me that I was not a smart as him or his Google Doctors but all off my kids were born shortly after him and before online advice. Cracks me up! I was never the greatest mom but all off my kids are alive....and well. THANKS!

That lil fucker never understood me. He said he had a sexual attraction but loved me. Poor Hermiston dude, must suck to have a low self esteem in central eastern Oregon. Really!!!

I may not be good at in the moment shit but given the time and I could out think..even them. I think about the worst thing I could of done to myself is to allow another person to take me away from myself. I can not blame him for any of my part or verbal contracts or any of my part in this because I allowed him to enter my life twice. So I broke down for my week long stent, packed up what was left of the nursery I created, called my friend to pick his shit up and turned my office back into the office I had intended it to be. Not only do I have my B. Hive creation area in the garage, I have my garden and now an office to run it out of. All of the things I tried to share as a family but was really another form of holding me back, if you look at how I lost my goals for another's ideal. Guess you had to be there..

I love intelligent men! OMG if he knows some shit my heart patters but best believe there is a fine line between intelligence, ignorance and a wanna be smart guy with a gun and a black belt. It is clear that the grasshopper has jumped way to high! When then and how do they not realize their weight yet judge on the poundage of burden a family may take upon ones mirror?

.....when you realized they find themselves more to be a live version of YouTube 24/7 and still think ourselves cute; whilst spending the same time in bed fondling their own Phallus...

Is this proven him a Caesar or is this a popper firm with Phallus in hand?

Adequately stated.... Yes folks...a dick is a dick is dick and still a damn good reminder that Jersey Shore was allowed to happen. No matter how you think it started, it will not end well. And holy shit thank the gods for it.

Well folks, nothing is worth holding me back. Nothing but me can, and since I refuse to let this life dictate my fate, I am taking it back in my own hands. Over this past week not only have I recreated my office space but have gone a million steps further. I got professional labels for my seeds done, an upgrade to my work area done, my articles of organization completed so I can become a real company. I have secured a place for my dog treats to be sold and have officially given my phone number to one of the hottest men I have ever seen in Eastern Oregon who just may call me for a date. You see folks, once you begin to understand your own self worth..the worth others may put on you no longer has a playing piece. It simply is not valid.

I am not a wreck, I am not depressed and I refuse to tare myself down for lessons I needed to learn. I am taking away the fact that I am capable of loving again, loving children I did not bare, able to give of myself freely, I am an awesome cook, awesome mom, awesome friend/lover, I am funny and witty and I deserve someone who wants to be apart of my life, our lives, instead of in control over it. I love who I am, I have worked far to hard to let some selfish asshole ever have the power I have over myself. You learn these things when you are dead set on being happy. I don't need a man to make me happy, I just wanted one to share in my happiness. If you don't see a difference in me now then you have not met me! This may seem like I have become cold or distant from my feelings or that I am simply numb. But that is so far from where I am...I hurt, I am sad but I will be damned if it will define me or what a real family or the possibility of having an extended family looks like for my future.

My new path

After the week of boo-hoo'ing and feeling sorry for my son and myself I picked myself up, I came out strong and determined. That wasn't easy but I sometimes feel like you have to break down so that you can arrange the pieces to fit right again. I sat for days wondering what I did wrong or how I did or what I...I...I...I and then BOOM, I woke up and after reading one of the most enlightening texts of my life I said FUCK IT...his last text explained that he left because his SMALL changes that he demanded did not get met and that it was for his daughters sake when we gave him a mansion to live in compared to the cinder block crack house 1 bedroom he had her in....I realized this guy has some serious issues and that I almost allowed to become my own. Bitch PLEASE...I was so disgusted and just beyond my ability to justify such arrogance, seriously so gross! And I think right then and there the gloves came off.

You have three choices when you are at a crossroads in your life as I was on this day. You can choose to continue your journey, sit down and feel sorry for yourself or allow yourself to fall over an unseen edge-take a leap of faith. Worst part of that is not knowing which direction or if your choices are the right ones. You have to love yourself enough to realize the situation. I took all three options here. I chose to sit down a few days and think it over, I took the leap of faith and it got me well..hurt so there was only one direction left for me to go and that was back to finding me. If I let every man or situation or tragedy consume me, I will no longer exist. Ultimately its your choice how much you want to destroy or hurt yourself in your decision making. Wanting him back would of been stupid because there would of been nothing left of my identity to put back together, he was an asshole to me and I could not imagine living that way for long. Trying to make something work that is clearly not in your best interests will land you at the bar drinking your life away. Choosing to let go but destroy myself is stupid because why would I do to myself the one thing I hated most about this guy? In other words I hated him treating me like shit under his shoes so why then would I allow myself to be the shit? No, no.the best solution for me was to realize that douchie people only cover up what actually stinks..... and move the fuck on.

As I said before I got rid of everything that could bring me bad Ju-Ju from this guy living in my house, smudged everything, changed the locks and then started the slow process of taking apart what was left of the nursery and replaced all of the sadness with my own joy and happiness. I am putting a business plan together and will also be looking at some property here in Eastern Oregon that was at one time a greenhouse. For Christmas I am buying myself the equipment I have longed for so that I can take this site and my ideas live or get some kind of sponsorship from YouTube or figure out Patron. One way or the other my plan is to take my journey and share it with the world in what ever way I can. Spread the word about seeds, teach other depressed and suicidal folks how to like themselves, how to get out of bed when the world wants you dead, how to overcome yourself...I can teach them because I have either learned them over and over or because I am walking in the shoes I am preaching about. I am worth so much more than what I was given credit for and do not need to be told this, I have the battle wounds to prove it as well as the understanding of healing.

I will find the person who was meant to complete my life one day. I am no longer in a hurry to find them because I still have a lot of work to do on myself before they will be allowed to come. But I know that I have a lot to offer them, the world and a shine that needs to be shared with others like me. I am starting to understand myself better, I am seeing progress in my abilities and I am also seeing an amazing future as well. I did not work this damn hard to let some guy with blue eyes and a ton of lies ruin the fact I was the bigger man from the start!

I have found myself in my own creations and so can you. You can overcome yourself, you can walk away and be strong, you do not have to be depressed when you know your own self worth. Should you ever think different, you haven't learned anything by watching me. One step towards loving yourself can make up for years of others who didn't. Trust me, suit up..show up and get over yourself. Show up for your life and fight for it because at the end of the day, you are your best assassin! You can either kill yourself with your own bullshit or man up and go kick some ass. The choice is yours. I have chosen mine and I hope you continue to walk beside me. You can find yourself I promise! Finding a partner that isn't a narcissist douche, well I will leave that for another blog.

Until next time remember that you have the power to change your life, if you chose yourself over anything else...you will find gratitude for the lessons the hard times give.

btw...he called|!