In less than 2 months, I have created a pallet sectional for my deck, time has really flown by on this project and the progress is amazing. The journey however in the piece is more personal and one that proves that without a solid base in life, much like this project, nothing will sit right.....
This part of the sectional was emotionally hard for me. I had just found out my husband had been unfaithful during our entire marriage and after some dirty tricks, was caught again. I love this man with all of my heart and thought he was my soul mate. Despite our many issues, he was my rock and unfortunately, he through himself through my glass house. I honestly have no idea how to move on in my life without him. But deep down knew that all along, he was never really the person he put himself out there to be. I think my friends and family saw it before I did and I just refused to see. Now I am on my own, in my own house and it's empty.
Then my best friend in the world, my true other half had taken his life. All of this I found out within 24-hours of each other. I have no problem telling you that my heart was just broken and my mind so lost I wasn't able to rap itself around the world that had just shattered around me. I starred for like an hour at this project realizing the reasons I was actually building this project, no longer existed and I almost gave up.
I originally wanted a place for my family and friends to come and enjoy space with me. Both family and now friend were gone. Neither of them could I save and neither gave me the choice. In all my devastation I had all but given up on finishing this. Who would share this with me now?
I searched my soul and decided that if I did not continue this project I was letting my emotions take me to a very dark place and being that I had no one left to talk to about it, I had to keep going. It is so hard to do when you can't think or function, when you feel so low about yourself you want to give up. I moved so far away from everyone that could help me, if I didn't find something to wake up for...I just wasn't going too.
I filed for divorce on Valentines day of this year and despite the fact I did not want too, I did for my own sake. I had no choice, if I kept going this way..it would kill me. I deserved better than a 1 year marriage, I deserved better than to second guess what went wrong, I knew I needed to act. So, I picked my project back up. The B. Hive is really the only place I can go that I feel like the rest of the world disappears. It is my sacred space and one I built to keep me moving, keep me wanting to live and keeping me from going back. No one can take my Hive from me and the only person that can keep it active, is me. My Hive keeps me alive. So I retreat there to find peace.
Reluctantly I got up last weekend and decided it was time to mock the pallet sectional back up, see where I was at and begin the process of cutting the solid plywood to make the cushion bases. I inhaled and got off the couch, put my grubbies back on and with a few tears...headed to the Hive.
Mock it up again!
Many times over the length of this project I have had to mock it up again. Set everything back up the way I want it and re-evaluate the situation.
I think it it super important to do this several times, along the way you may find things you could of done better or upgrades you had not thought of before. Once I set up the front facing pallets...I realized...this bitch is pretty sweet. I think standing there looking at this gave me a new drive to get it finished. I will finish this for me and whatever my future brings. If by then I still have no one to share it with, my dogs and I will have a wonderful place to be alive over the summer. I had to find solace in that!
Cutting the Boards
Each pallet is about 22 inches wide and about 44 inches long. The only real issue with these pallets is they do not line up exactly. The board on the left are maybe a few centimeters off from being level. So to combat that I added just a scrap piece of flat wood between the pallets to try and even them out.
Once I did that, I took a huge piece of plywood I got from a co-worker and cut it just a little bigger than the pallets. I went 23 inches deep and about 89 inches long for the longest part of the couch. Then for the smaller angled pieces I did 23 inches deep by 45 inches long. Because pallet ends are not always uniform, you might have to be a bit inventive. If you choose pallets with longer boards you can cut them to size but realistically the majority of pallets are cut uneven and the top boards are hardly ever the same size. So just to cover I gave it that inch.
Now that the longest piece of plywood was cut, I mocked it back up and made sure my measurements were on the money before putting a new entry in the work journal.
This entire project long, I had already made a back piece for the angled pallets of this project. But when I stepped back just now and looked at the boards behind the project, leaning against the wall, I realized the pallet holders the ones that look like a cross within a box lol, If I cut those in half, I wondered if they would make a cleaner and stronger back piece. Hmm....a plan change in the middle of almost end of a project? Yes...this will happen to you!! And this is why it is so important to mock up..mock up and measure and above all take notes. Because you too may want to change your mind.
It's ok to change your mind!
The back piece I created for this while cute, had to be made this way. I glued and screwed a few boards together and it looked really nice with a back rest. The only problem was, to duplicate this...I would have to have almost the same kind of boards, which I do not. Lining up anything else..there was always the issue of it being not the right size, shape and so on. I chose a back rest not really so folks could kick back and relax but more as a holder for the cushion base. So, I mocked it up one more time and used the box boards in the background pictures above and cut them to about the right size. Stepping back, I was like...hell yes...this is more like it. I am not always good with change but this time I think I made the right choice. It did involve rethinking some things and trying new idea's..tons of journal notes but at the end of the day...changing your mind is really all part of the creative process and should be something you consider through out your project. The back rest that you see above, while fitting here...didn't fit in well with the conjoining piece for the front facing pallets. I think I may use it in another project later on, so I don't feel like my energy, money, time and stain were waisted. Change is good! This is a lesson I am struggling to learn about my personal life, but working on this project helped me to know that I am strong and my mind is well and that one day I will meet someone who will truly change my life.
So I cut the box board thing I spoke about earlier and would ya look at that? It's a perfect freaking match. GENUIS! lol I cut the last plywood board to create the angle piece base and mocked it up one last time. Holy shit folks, would you look at this? I did this! I actually did this all by myself. WOW! When I had woke up that morning, I could barely decide if I wanted to exhale let alone whether I could function. Making the decision to go to the Hive changed every bit of that for me. The emptiness is still absorbing me but my confidence returned and I was able to look at what I had created and realized that even if my husband was there to enjoy my work or the finished product with me, he had no care in the world of its existence or my progress. The last I saw him all he said was "Good job baby!" and never even looked at it.
I was not out to impress him but wanted him to share in my pride. This was someone who gave me this courtesy often...and as I stood there looking at this I realized that this was much like my marriage. I worked my ass off to create beauty, a place to call home and he on the other hand created a life for himself. I believed right at that moment that I didn't build this for him...I did this to prove to myself I could but more so that I did not need him to validate me.
The project itself validates my ability and come this summer...when I am happily drinking ice tea on my deck, sun bathing on my couch...I will look back on this experience, still hurt, but knowing that I was still of the mind to create a beautiful space for my family....and he will still be playing girls and working on cars. I am the one that did the growing....Somethings and all people you can not change. You can't change your situation but you can however step back...look at it and change your mind about how you feel about it or what part of it you should own. I may still be hurting but I can live better with this knowledge that I am right where I am suppose to be. In my hive, working to stay alive!
I have grown so much in the past two months. I have challenged my abilities and have proven myself more equipped than I ever knew. My heart will heal again one day...until then I will rely on my Hive to keep me buzzing!
Now that we have all the pieces we need and all fitted as I would like them, and new back rests...the finished product is in site. In my next blog we will talk about the bane of my existence...the cushions, fabric and a couple of new tools I am using along the way. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, I feel like sharing all of this may bring me closure but may also help someone else who is struggling to rebuild their lives.
Until next time......
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